The Morning Mess

We have been speaking of this day for the past few weeks! All we wanted to do was sleep in but for some reason we both woke up around 7am. Tossing and turning in bed lead to a dance when the bloody bells outside started to ring every 10 to 15minutes. Unable to sleep it was time to get up and jump in to the shower.
Once out of the shower before we even hit breakfast it was time to have a shot of chocolate vodka. With some alcohol in me at 9am there was one thing left to do. For those that have seen Ace Ventura Pet detective they would know there’s a scene with Jim Carey screaming his head off while opening and slamming a sliding door so I decided to give it a go.

Oishii ran to fetch the video camera while I stood outside on the balcony. Within seconds it was time for action. I opened the sliding door screaming and when I slammed it shut I struggled opening it again. Who said acting was easy?

Since that failed there was one thing left to do – scream "Christine" from the balcony! Feeling much better after that morning exercise it was time to head out to explore surfers. Since we arrived last night we still had to do the proper check in today so we grabbed all our stuff and headed to reception.

At reception Anne greeted us. A woman that had a fixed smile on her face and was way too happy to be alive. The poor thing was more than helpful and willing to have a long chat. To us this is strange as we are used to rude inconsiderate people who don’t want to help you at all.

We rock over to the center of Surfers to settle down for some breakfast. Mind you I already had toast for breakfast after my chocolate vodka but for some reason I needed round two. We spotted a nice looking café called "Bar Italia". Anything called Bar at this time of morning was a bonus.

We sat ourselves down when the waiter served us. We both ordered a coffee and I decided to order a cheese and tomato grilled sandwich.

A few minutes later this was dumped on my table:

At first I thought I was seeing things but yes that’s right the guy dumped a cheese and onion sandwich. I looked inside the sandwich and felt my stomach feel sick. There was no way on earth I could eat this. I grabbed the plate and went inside to tell the waiter.

I reach the waiter and say "I ordered a cheese and tomato sandwich and I got a cheese and onion sandwich.

The waiter looks at me and goes "FUCK!".

This is when this old guy who I am assuming is the owner of the café runs over to me and grabs the plate off my hands while he is shaking and ensuring me that my order will get fixed instantly.

A few minutes later I got my cheese and tomato sandwich. To make up for it I think they threw in extra Kraft single cheese and every bite was like taking a bite of a cheese.

While we are enjoying the sun and coffee we spot this coming our way. Within seconds all cameras were out as we managed to stop this massive purple thing for a quick interview. At first I thought he was called penny but apparently his name was "Pinny".

His partner is the red one but apparently they had a fight and his gone to Melbourne. So I informed Pinny that I will let Christine know that his back on the scene again. The purple thing wanders off and we finish our coffees and leave the café to explore Surfers.

The day's already off to a great start!

ON THE STREETS OF SURFER'S PARADISE

Streets of Surfers

Hard Rock Cafe

We stroll out of the apartment onto the streets and the first thing we see is an Ambulance, which indicates Christine some how. Wait a second look and it’s not an ambulance but actually road workers. We continue walking to the city center.
We have no map, no direction or any idea where we are headed. All bets are off.

We stroll through the streets to notice that a lot of the stores are closed. There’s an odd bar here and there open. We reach Sky Walker when Oishii’s phone starts to ring. I’m thinking its Christine so the camera starts to film when I’m disappointed. It was only Oishii’s dad.

We head towards the beach and I’m excited that I might actually be hitting the beach this year!!! While I’m filming the beach Oishii decides to take off her shoes and whack on her thongs. This is at the same time we spot this miserable bitch walking on the opposite side of the footpath. She looked like she just got bitch slapped from head to toe. We continue walking when we spot Maccas. Oishii indicates she’s hungry again. For fucks sake we just ate less than 4 hours ago. I decide I want an apple pie so we stroll in.

We walk out of Maccas with a burger each. Don’t ask me what happen to the apple pie. After shoving a burger down our throats I caught Oishii on camera trying to give a pole a blow job. This then lead to us discovering a condom kingdom. I was excited as I remember the one in Mykonos!

We continue strolling around when we hit Hard Rock Café. Immediately all cameras are out. Once the photo session comes to an end we spot an alcohol shop that we immediately hit. We walk in to check out their wine range. We walk out empty handed and decide to come back tomorrow to stock up.

This is when we walk past the "Eagle boys Pizza" with a bunch of guys on a forklift wearing this funny looking ridiculous hat. We continue to walk when we notice some guy busking on the streets with his guitar. You can also buy his CD for a random price. While I’m enjoying the music Oishii randomly starts screaming "MAC". I had no idea who MAC was. I thought she ran into someone she knew only to discover it was MAC the Lipstick Company or something.

At this stage we spot another Limo parked with a sun roof which has no one in it. While we are admiring this Limo the Eagle boys come head on towards us with their forklift. We point our cameras at them and continue to follow them to the crossing. As we are following them more guys seem to be jumping onto this forklift. Its like an all you can jump on forklift. I suggest to Oishii that we should jump on this forklift as well and see where we end up. They start to cross the road when they suddenly decide to swerve back.

The Eagle Pizza Boys

Cavill Ave - The Most Important Street in Surfers

We decide to head back to the hotel to sleep when we spot Dracula’s shop. It is here that I find Christine’s next birthday present looking at the shop window. We so have to shop here tomorrow.

We head back to the apartment, where I admire the beautiful view on the balcony before collapsing into bed.

It’s been a long day!

THE APARTMENT IN SURFERS

The view from the Balcony

The lift doors open and we are officially on level 10!

We arrive to level 10 and the minute the elevator doors are open I notice the red carpet walls and floor around the level. We stroll to our door with our suitcases when it’s another issue opening our bloody room door. For fucks sake there is only two keys, how can you go wrong?

The next problem the weight of the door. The bloody thing needs 6 people to push open. We stroll inside of the apartment and this is what we find!

The Apartment Lounge Room

Notice the kitchen? This reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry got a new Kitchen that looked like this, which annoyed everyone because they couldn’t see each other!

The Famous Seinfeld Kitchen Look a Like

We immediately do a good lap around the kitchen. While I’m admiring the beautiful view from the balcony I can hear Oishii muttering something in the kitchen. I have no idea what she’s complaining about until I reach the kitchen to notice her opening and slamming every cupboard in the kitchen. She turn’s around screaming "Where’s the dishwasher? I’m not doing any dishes".

Then she storms out of the kitchen to the bedroom. What the fuck was that about? Who asked you to do disher’s at 10pm? Would it kill you to wash two plates? I should have dragged every plate, bowl, spoon, fork and knife out and made you wash them!

Oishii storms in with the chocolate vodka bottle I brought her for her birthday. She slams it on the counter and finds two massive cups. She pours in shots for us. Who the hell has shots in massive cups for crying out loud? We scull the shots and head out of the apartment with camera’s to explore.

THE LIMO RIDE AND CHECK IN

The Stretch LIMO

The LIMO ride

I’m finally in QLD!!! We jump off the plane as we start battling people out of the way to get through the runway to the airport doors. The minute we enter cameras are on as Oishii takes charge of the video camera to do her famous security camera thing. With the camera rolling we race through the baggage claim area searching like lunatics for a guy holding a sign. After a few seconds of looking like total nutcases we spot a tall guy with a huge beard holding a sign. We quickly race up to him and introduce ourselves before running to grab our bags.

The bags arrive and "Jason" the Limo driver helps carry them to our Limo. Walking to the Limo all I hear is that Oishi wants to grab onto Jason’s beard and pull it. I don’t want to know what your sick fantasy is woman! Leave me out of the beard pulling session.

Now don’t ask me why on earth we hired a STRETCH LIMO!!! This bloody thing practically cost a kidney. It all came about when Oishii decided to do some research on what the best way was to get to the apartment. They came back with an email stating it depends whether you’re travelling with a car, taxi or Limo. The minute I read Limo I stated we needed to arrive in a Limo. Just not a Limo but a Stretch Limo. So we decided to go with a 7 seater and later realized there was an 11 seater. Only if we knew before hand. The bigger the better!

To add to this scene we decided to organize a bottle of Champagne to celebrate our "Year without Mykonos" holiday. Our buddy Jason the limo driver opened our Champagne bottle and started the ball rolling. This is at the point we gave him a CD to play. This is where it gets embarrassing!

The guy probably thought we gave him a CD with RNB or some House music. Instead the guy pops in the CD and what do we get? NUTBUSH!!!!!

NV Filming in the Limo

Who the hell plays Nutbush City Limits in a Stretch Limo for crying out loud. This masterly compiled CD by DJ SMJ featured all the best of the 80’s including: Nutbush, Locomotion, Nutbush, Get into the Groove, Nutbush, Hey Mickey, Nutbush, Wake me up before you go go, Nutbush, Love Shack and of course more Nutbush.

Inside the Limo

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry with Nutbush coming on every two songs. Luckily I found the skip track button. Can you imagine if we played an entire Nutbush CD?

So the Limo cruising starts. The music’s pumping well Nutbush is anyways. The champagne is in our hands and out comes the cameras. The entire Limo ride was just way too awkward for us. I think the problem was we were too sober when we hit the Limo. We should have sculled a bottle of wine before we walked into the Limo.

This was a good half an hour trip as we kept drinking and luckily not spilling the champagne all over the Limo. This lead to Oishii taking a quick video footage on her phone to send to Christine back home. I had no idea what the footage was, I just kept drinking as Oishii shoved her phone into my hands and screamed "Film"!

Oishii filming

Eventually we arrived to our destination and the Limo tried pulling into the driveway only to realise it was too long to fit into the driveway. However we successfully got the Limo into the driveway and came to a complete stop. We step out of the Limo and I’m disappointed there is no red carpet waiting for us. Seriously who ever saw us arrive must of thought we were someone special. We are but that’s not the point. I don’t think they would of thought it was a celebrity. One look at this self contained apartment and you can tell we were on a budget haha

The glasses and Champagne in the Limo

While I raced to the boot to help my buddy Jason the Limo driver take out our bags, Oishii runs to the other side to take pic’s of the Limo before joining us. This is when Jason remembers our CD and goes back into the Limo before Oishii and I start arguing about the tipping business again.

We questioned this several times before the trip whether we should tip or not. As we generally don’t tip in Australia we thought we wouldn’t tip. This was until the bastard decided to carry our bags. I felt sorry for him and indicated that we should tip and I will take care of it.

So here we are standing outside the Limo in front of some budget self contained apartment when I pull my wallet open to only discover the smallest change I have is a $10 note. Oishii starts whispering give him only $5 while I indicated I don’t have one. By this time Jason had rocked up before we could get to Oishii’s wallet so I handed over the $10 and his face lit up. It was almost like giving an alcoholic 10 bottle’s of alcohol. The guy couldn’t believe his face as he jumped back into the Limo. I think we made his night while Oishii had a disgusted look on her face! Yes I know its enough to get us another bottle of wine for the night.

This is the bit I have been dreading all along. Now for some reason we cant have a simple check in. we always have to go digging around for a bloody apartment key. The process here was that we had to make a phone call to some bitch to get a code to enter the building. Once we were in the building we had to then enter another code into this security safe to access our key. I had this fear that we would stuff this up some how. The woman did say, "No one has so far stuffed it up". Well lets hope we aren’t the first to do this.

So with the whole Limo driving off and us being drunk this part is abit blurry. Some how the doors had open. I think some one must have left the building and us without thinking walked into the building. I looked around to notice the reception closed and two couches in the receptionist lounge. My theory was if worst comes to worst we could just sleep in reception.

So we stood in reception as the building door closed and realized that we couldn’t call the night help line from inside the building. Now the doors were locked and we couldn’t get out. So what now? Did we have to wait for someone to come down for us to get out of the bloody building?

At this point we noticed an exit button and pushed it as Oishii rushed outside. I had no fuckin idea what was happening so I stayed put with all the suitcases as the door closed shut. Now Oishii was locked outside while I was locked inside with the suitcases.

Oishii makes the call from outside while I start filming the process. She starts screaming something and I cant hear from inside so I push the exit button for the doors to open when she informs me that she is put on hold. Who the hell puts you on hold at 10pm at night? These nutcases were expecting us. What kind of a sick night help line is this?

After a few minutes Oishii manages to score the code of them and slams the phone down before heading inside. We stand in front of the security safe to enter another code to get the safe to open. Hola the safe opens and we grab our envelope with our name on it to reveal our key and a few pages of instructions.

Now normal people would ACTUALLY read the instructions. We went whatever and stormed into the lift. The funny part was the MOST important bits were highlighted in yellow for us but we chose to ignore this.

Now we are in the lifts and we can’t get up to level 10, which is the floor we are staying on. Oishii is trying crazily to get the key into all the holes in the lift but nothing is happening. Some how the lift decides to go down to the basement level.

The doors open to reveal two chicks standing there. I scream hello as I am pointing the camera at them. They run off hiding and scream "you need to put the key in the lift". The doors close and we go back up to level one. We still can’t get the fuckin key in the lift. How fuckin hard is it to stick a key in a hole for crying out loud?

I was stuck in my corner with the video camera rolling. The suitcases were blocking me from getting to Oishii to assist. At this time it just seemed easier to continue filming and see what happens. The doors open to reveal level one again the reception level. God were going to be going down to basement and up to reception the whole night at this stage. This time the doors open to reveal some old guy standing in front of the door.

Before anyone can say anything Oishii questions "Do you know how to make the lift work?". The guy looks at me and the camera and probably thinks this is some kind of a joke but decides to lean inside to show Oishii how to stick it in, the key that is. The next few seconds we see him trying to explain to Oishii that she has to put the key into the hole for us to go up to level 10. I watch them as they are shoving the key in and out of the hole but we are still trapped on level one.

There is nothing happening when Oishii starts to get frustrated while she’s laughing her head off. I knew it was too good to be true. Oishii starts screaming it’s not working. So the old guy grabs the key and starts jamming it into the hole while pressing level 10 and this doesn’t help either. So he pulls out his own key and shoves it into the hole and presses level 10. This doesn’t work as he is standing in the doorway. So he decides to stop blocking the door way and tells us to try that.

The minute he steps out the doors closed and we end up In basement level again. For fucks sake. At this point there is no sign of the two chicks that we filmed. The lift goes back to level one and we spot the old guy again. He refuses to come in. he probably thinks we are a bunch of lunatics and his not far from it. Well the truth is the minute he was coming into the lift the two chicks from the basement arrive on level one and he looks at them and screams "Pussy" as our lift door shuts.

What the hell was that pussy business about? Who sees a chick and yells pussy! I should be yelling Pussy. Why aren’t I yelling pussy?

The lift doors open and we are officially on level 10!

LEAVING SYDNEY FOR QLD

It's been a well waited holiday. After struggling so hard this year not to hit Flight Centre to book a trip to Turkey & Greece, I managed to survive the year and actually have my first winter in 3 years. It was hard, it was painful but there was light at the end of the tunnel my friend and no I'm not talking about the Cross City Tunnel!

Doing the usual and randomly booking without getting leave I soon realised once I asked my boss for leave that I had booked the trip during our once a year regional team conference. Stressing he wasn't going to approve my leave I was lucky enough to get him to sign the leave form.

Rushing from the conference to the airport was another matter. Usually I'm huffing and puffing to get to the airport to quickly check in, go through security check etc. This time round I rocked up to the aiport before 5pm for a 7:40pm flight.

I kissed my parents goodbye as I calmly strolled into the airport with my luggage ready to battle the aiport after a good 9 months. The airport was quite packed when I arrived. The Virgin line practically ended in the toilets. Thank god I was early.

I spent the next 40 minutes sitting there watching people rushing in and out. It's actually quite funny when you watch these people. Some people are complete lunatics when they arrive to the airport others are quite calm. I sat down outside of Jetstar trying to decide if I should walk over to the coffee shop to buy a coffee. I was seriously dead tired. I spent half the night packing and when I finally did get to bed I would wake up and remember something I forgot to pack. I dont understand why I was stressing about the packing as I was only going to the Gold Coast and not to Europe. I suppose the thing is if I was going to Europe I would leave half of this shit behind as I need the luggage space.

I turned to my right to see a woman with a pram parking herself smack bang next to me. The first thought I got was "SHIT". This kid's going to start crying and I'm going to have to get up amd move. I love kids but seriously lately I have become so impatient that I can't handle hearing a baby cry. Luckily this kid was so cute and cheerful. He didnt make a sound the entire time he was sitting next to me.

While admiring all this around me I get a phone call with Oishii screaming down the phone "Where are you". Even though I stated I was outside Jetstar for some reason she was searching for me outside of the coffee shop. But then again she probably knew I needed a coffee by this stage. Within minutes we were sitting there thinking "Were going on holidays again". What the hell were we thinking.

It's funny as the night before I was actually thinking we decided not to do Europe this year to save money but instead we decided to do little trips to keep us in the country. Hence we had a holiday every 3 months. It kicked off with Hunter Valley in March, followed by Blue Mountains in June and now Gold Coast in September. This was getting ridiculous. We had spent enough money on these little trips to buy a plane ticket to Turkey.

By this time we realised we can check in. We walked over to our line and handed our bags over. I was quite shocked when I realised I had packed 19kgs of luggage. Oishii's was close to 16kgs. We decided to skip the whole coffee thing as we were hungry and there was apparently a new food court inside.

We strolled through security check and headed to the food court. We both wanted Red Rooster but decided to do a quick lap around the food court for the sake of it. This is when I walked past "Mamma Leonie's" and practically chocked on the garlic I breathed in. They had practically wiped their benches in garlic so the smell can spread.

We checked out the kebab shop before heading to the red rooster line. We were stuck behind a huge queue where I questioned if all these people need to have red rooster or not. Waiting in line I was getting drawn to Mama Leonie's smell.

We quickly ate our food before we hit the shops. Not that I wanted to buy anything but I really wanted to check the shops out. I demanded we go into a CD shop when Oishii kept screaming in my ear "Don't buy anything". Who the hell tells me not to buy anything in a CD shop? Not that I would buy anything but I don't need to be told not to.

I walk out empty handed and we reach our boarding gate. We sit down and as I get up to go to the toilet to pee they annouce that we are boarding. Talk about great timing. The first colour is called to the left hand side where about 3 people walk to and the remainder of us wait to be boarded.

We walk onto the plane and I think this is my first time doing all of this calmly and not pushing people over. We find our seats and collapse into them when we spot this woman settling herself next to us. The minute this woman sat down next to me she pulled out her mobile and started making calls. This is when I freak out. I have enough fears of flying and the last thing I need is this bitch causing an accident.

She calls her friend trying to question the bus timetables when all she really wanted was to get a free lift off her friend. The thing was this wasn't a two second conversation. She kept talking and talking while the hostesses walked past her. I was ready to grab the phone off her and throw it off the plane if she didn't get off. Luckily she ended the conversation and I was calm. This is before she decided to make another call. Who the hell goes on a plane to make a million and one calls. Turn that bloody phone off woman.

Finally the bitch turns her phone off and leans over to tell her daughter Kylie on the other side something. The plane takes off and she pulls out this book to read. During take off all the lights on the plane were turned off and if you wanted to read you had to turn the reading light on. So the bitch turns on her reading light when it comes smack bang into my eye spending me blind. At first she thought she some how turned on my light as it was in my eye and not on her book until she realised that the light was pointing in the wrong direction.

She proceeds to stand to push the light into her direction when she asks me to help her. So the both of us are trying to get this reading light to turn in her direction when I practically pull the light out of the hole. We decide to leave it as it is. We both sit back down when she decides to slam her book onto my side to get the light. For fucks sake do I look like a coffee table to you woman. Why do I have to put up with this shit. It's an hour flight, do you reading later.

Meanwhile some baby in the back starts to cry to add to the frustration. This is the whole NY trip again. Oishii keeps trying to look back for the baby as she's convinced the parents are trying to strangled their own kid and that's why the baby is crying. Between the reading bitch, the baby and Oishii's predictions in my ear I was ready to strangle someone myself.

The plane lands and I'm ready to push whoever to get off the flight. Meanwhile I noticed on the bitch's bag that she's from Hunter's Hill. She from now on she's labelled the bitch from Hunters Hill!