Anesi - One massive PIG out... ..................Coming soon....
Nautiboy Productions

The Pork Incident

You spend all your living protecting yourself from the pig and then some fat Greek godfather comes along and smack bang before you know it your no longer a pork virgin. What kind of a sick bastard manages to screw you over and make you eat pork within seconds.

Well this is the outcome of Saturday night. Before I knew it I was trying to cut into this log on my plate, which apparently was pork. Little did I know! While cutting the bloody thing, my cousin continuously kept saying, “This is good shit bro”. I should have known it was all down hill from there.

I felt sick at the thought of some pig swimming inside of me but hey there was only one way to deal with it. I had to burn this pig out of me – the dance floor!

The waiter

This waiter approached us for the first time to ask if we wanted drinks. Before we knew it our Bosnian princess basically yelled at the waiter. The waiter had to calm her down. She seemed stressed. As if this wasn’t bad enough the waiter tried cleaning the glasses off the table when my cousin insisted he wants his glass back. The waiter thinking were the most stressed out table told us he would bring new ones…

The top 3 conversations of the night

1. Put it up

Would it help if you put it up bro?
It’s been up for 2 weeks bro and it wont go down.

Were talking about my cousin’s injured leg, what were you thinking?

2. The Multi- vitamin stolen van

This one is a classic. Our Bosnian princess goes to Canada for a holiday and wants to go shopping. So her friend does some research on the net and locates a famous multi vitamin van. They rock up in the middle of the night to this van which conviently has multi vitamins written on it to discover that this van has every bloody stolen items you could possible want. So what does one do? Obviously starts shopping…

3. Straight guy comments on another guy

Is it normal for a straight guy to comment on the looks of another guy?

The octopus dive

I will never forget this. Moments before I went to the toilet everyone on the table made comments on how full they were from the food. The minute I came back to the table all I saw was our Bosnian princess diving for more octopus. It was like she hasn’t eaten for a month the way she grabbed it. I was thinking to myself god what’s she doing. Then moments later I discovered that they had prepared a little snack for me on my plate. Thanks guys…

The photographer

A photographer approached us and started speaking in Greek. Obviously this guy doesn’t know who we are. Every nut case in the family decided to bring a camera tonight. I mean no one in our family leaves home without one. Anyway finally the guy noticed that were not Greek and my cousin made sure he knew we were Turko. The photographer couldn’t disappear from our table fast enough.

To pay or not to pay

As the pork caused such a stir on the table we were trying to decide whether we should dance our way out of the restaurant. With a bunch of 50 year olds spinning around and the myer guy we knew that the only thing stopping us was the Greek godfather at the door.

Who is MARIA!!!

For all the idiots out there who don't seem to read the full story and understand who Maria is. For the second time Maria is a girl at work with an annoying voice! LOL She was sick for 4 days in which I swapped my overflowed bin with hers due to my cousin encouraging me to. Maria rocked up to work the next day and threw a big tantrum and sent out a work email to all saying that she's disgusted that people are treating her desk like a rubbish dump.

Recent quote:

"Btw su maria meselesini okudum azcik dun aksam LOL
birak namei mamei sopa yiceksin sen. nedir bu maria tutturdun gidiyorsun, maria yi alcam sana"

Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about a workmate?

This was a simple question that I asked everyone. Little did I realise that the response I was going to get on a reply all email was that my cousin has sexual fantasies about me. I was disgusted and turned on at the same time hahaha

To question this further I got one of my other cousins to ask her what she fantasies about. Here I am thinking that she fantasies about me being in uniform or something and what do I hear? She apparently fantasies about me masturbating! Like what kind of a sick cousin fantasies about this?

You know who you are cuz. We all know who you are! I just hope your mother is reading this!!!! Merhaba teyzecim naber? hehe

The email quotes

The Stress Attack cuz there's no emails

"NO EMAIL TELLING ME WHERE U AREI SAT HERE BORED OUT OF MY BRAINS CRYING BECAUSE NO ONE LUVS ME.THANK GOD TRACE SENT ME AN EMAIL OTHERWISE I WAS GOING TO JUMP OUT THE WINDOW!"

After 10 cups of coffee

"Stockwell in your face"

Email overdose

"Guyz im busy now so pls keep me off the emails until i say so
thank you for your cooperation and god bless u all :)"

More coffee?

"I'VE JUST HAD 2 CUPS OF STRONG COFFEE BELIVE ME EVEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!"

The fantasies

"ayyyy hepiniz igrencisinizzzzzzzzzz"

Before 8am on a monday
"What the hell?!?!?!?! I just got into work and had 35 emails in my inbox....."

Vomit VS Pee

Voting has now closed. You all voted for the following survey question:

Would you rather be vomitted on or peed on

The Results:

60 % of you preferred to be peed on rather than be vomitted on

30 % of you preferred to be vomitted on rather than be peed on

10% of you were just bloody annoying and refused to answer the question

Outcome - People would rather be peed on than be vomitted on

If you were a treee, where would you want to be planted?

You have all been asked the question and its amazing what people tend to come up with. Ive had a range of responses to this question. People wanted to be planted in a rainforest to be with other trees, others want to be planted off on one of the islands in Turkey in the Mediteranean, Some wanted views others wanted peace hehe

One of the responses I had was this:

Probably right outside Emre Belezoglu’s door!

For all of you that don't know Emre, his a famous turkish soccer player. I followed to ask whether she was sure that she wanted to be planted smack bang outside the door instead of a beautiful sea view. Her response was:

Yes absolutely positive and I’d want my branches to be long so that I can look through his windows. Come to think of it I’d want to be one of those trees in a pot that u can put into your house. I’d want to be inside his bathroom. Theres ur view and ur door. And who wants a hill when you’ve got emre’s body to look at!

So my question was wouldn't you be bored in the bathroom?

Well after I’ve seen him for 20 minutes in the shower I’d spend the rest of the day dreaming about the next 20 minutes he’d be in the shower. And I’m sorry but who would be bored of staring at emre’s privates even if it’s only for 20 minutes a day!!!!!!

I continued to ask whether she would prefer to be in the bedroom rather than the bathroom. Seriously why would you want a smelly bathroom when you can have the bedroom.

Look he will take good care of me. The only thing is it would have to be a bathroom where the toilet isn’t connected. Then I’d want to be in the living room

No ur right if the toilet is in the bathroom then I’d want to be outside his bedroom window and in close proximity to his bathroom window.

No I already told u I don’t want the bedroom! I don’t want to see him getting it on with another woman! I’ll be devastated and die. Is that what u want!?

So if you were a tree where would you want to be planted? hehe If she's in the living room people might turn their smokes in her pot, If she's in the kitchen she might catch on fire and burn to death, if she's in the bathroom she might die from the smell...

Sertab's concert

I can't believe it has been almost 10 months since I watched Sertab in Istanbul and now 10 months later she is here performing live in Sydney for the first time. It was a mixed feeling going to that concert as I remember how much I loved seeing her live in Istanbul. Even though it was a packed outdoor event the memories will last forever. Who could forget the guys peeing during the concert in front of the Mosque ehehhe

Sunday night kicked off with various turko popstar wannnabes. Some were good some were just average. Once Sertab came on it was a different story. With 2 hours of her performance, one could not get enough. With both her Turkish and English songs she managed to send her fans wild throughout the night.

As I told my cousin minutes before Sertab came on that she would sing "Here I am", my predictions came true and Sertab sent the stage into chaos when she declared "Here I am... Ready for love....."

Blondie!

Well what on earth possessed me to dye my hair blonde you may ask? Well I dont even know myself hehe It all started for a good cause. To support leukemia day i decided to dye my hair to raise money for the charity event. However I was going to get red tips into my hair. Once at the hairdessers I changed my mind.

I asked her for blonde tips. She decided that to make it look more natural that she would just wack on the paint. For crying out loud woman if i wanted my hair full on blonde I would have said so.

Walked out of the hairdresser looking like a typical blonde surfer. Few days later it was back there to change the colour to a copper red. This then lead into me going back and getting a darkbrown mixed in to get a whole brown/blonde/copper red look.

Moral of the story - Next time Im just shaving my hair hehe

A Greek, A Turk And 2 Women Are On A Train...

In a train carriage there were a Greek man, a Turkish man, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Turkish man had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought: - "That Turkish idiot wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

(2) The fat lady thought: - "This dirty old Turkish man laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

(3) The Turkish man thought: - "That stupid Greek man put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

(4) The Greek man thought: - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that Turko again".

United Airways - They screwed me over too

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Ooh shit, she doesn't work for Delta". A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" Once again she gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman turned on him. "What the fuck do you want?" she snapped. The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair and said... "Ahhh, United Airways!"

Monday morning email

Hi dorkus.

I went to Liverpool last night as an "alternative" to stockies. Sharra and I were walking alone at night and this drunk guy crosses the road and say "hello ladies...wanna have a good time?" we politely said no...then he said "wanna have a real good time?" I thought I was about to be raped.
Like hello...as if we have remained pure this whole time so that some bum off the streets would offer us his services. Gross.

Im sticking to my hood - not yours!

The Maria fuss

I'm still getting emails and calls about who the hell is Maria hehehehehhe
After numerous laughing fits in the office about absoultely nothing I'm still laughing.


"Zaten linkede bakmadim daha, su maria yi cok merak ettim iyice"

Before I forget someone suggested I swap my rubbish bin with Maria' s since she is sick and when she comes back she can have a nice suprise of half eaten sandwiches and muffins!

The Threat!

Quote of the week

SENIN AGZINA SICACIM E*#*R!

Translation - I'm going to shit in your mouth!

I obviously hit a raw nerve on my cousin Nez! LoL

The Bin

I have been in this office for 3 bloody weeks now and they still haven't cleaned my bin. For crying out loud dont theses people clean the office once in a blue moon. My bin has bits of sandwiches and coffee dripping on to the carpet. Soon im going to have cockroaches and ants camping out near the bin. The bin has seriously overflowed.

What type of a sick workplace is this when a man has to put up with a stinking bin next to him. I feel like taking the bin and swapping it with some other random nutcase. Maybe I should swap the bins and let someone else deal with my stinking sandwiches and coffee...

The annoying Bitch on the train

You jump on a train after work and the last thing you need is some annoying woman chatting to you about crap. Yesterday I jumped on the train and this annoying bitch strikes up a conversation with me by asking me if this train goes to burwood. I stupidly answered yes and this gave her the courage to tell me her whole life story lol

Before I knew this annoying bitch was bagging out some school boy who had rock music blasting in his ear. She was complaining how the music was annoying her. I wanted to turn around and tell her that she was annoying the crap out of me. I swear I must have a magnet on my head saying annoying freaks come talk to me. I just wanted to smack this bitch in the mouth so she could shut the hell up. By the time we got to Burwood I was ready to strangle someone.

Maria is sick update

I met up with a friend last night and the first thing he asked me was how my mum was and if she was out of hospital yet? I looked at him thinking what the hell are u on about. He goes to me the email you sent about Maria is sick, I thought that was your mum and you were taking her to hospital hahaha. I pissed myself laughing for 10minutes before I could explain to him who Maria was.

Maria is SICK!

I know you have all been wondering who MARIA is so here I am about to explain the whole "Maria is sick" email thats been going around for the past two days. It started as a prank to see what people would actually say when they got the email and trust me I have been laughing at the email responses and the people who have been calling me to ask who the hell is Maria hehe

And who is maria?

Sorry to act dumb...but who the f@*k is Maria?!?!?!?!?!

Whose maria?

Who the hell is maria!?

Im going to shove maria the same place ernie is...up bert....if u don't tell me who she is.

LOL good morning, who is maria?

Maria sikcem - (Translation - Im gonna F*** Maria)

Whos this maria slut bro?

WHO IS MARIA

Ok, Maria is this girl that works in the office with me. She has the MOST annoying voice. If you think that the nanny is bad you obviously haven't met Maria.

April Fools Day

Another year of pranks on April fools day. This year I was quite successful in fooling people. Some of my pranks were as follows:

The romantic gay dinner

I told a friend that I agreed to go on a dinner date with a gay guy from the office. Her response was your choosing him over me? Some people are so self centred! hehe

The acting job

I told my cousin that I just scored a role on Fat Pizza after going to an audition last week. I was playing Kosta the greek guy on the show for 2 episodes. She fell for this but then realised that it could be a April fools joke hehehe

SO KOSTA!!!! I HAVE A FAMOUS COUSIN NOW HOW COOL IS THAT!!!! WHEN DO YOUSTART FILMING?

When I told her the truth --------------

I DON'T BELIEVE I ALMOST FELL FOR IT! ACTUALLY I DID FALL FOR IT. FUCKI'M AN IDIOT! (EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE). CALL ME WHEN UR GETTING MARRIED

The New York Opportunity

Ok this one was the hardest one to pull off. I tried this on a few people and some actually believed it while others caught on immediately. I told them that my company was sending me to New York for a one year contract. They would organie me an apartment and help me settle in.

The busy weekend

This was one hell of a weekend. I finally found a car that I want and negociated a decent price. Before I knew it I made a purchase. This lead into rushing around to dye my hair blonde. I asked for blond tips and she smacked alot of blonde dye on my hair. Hola I became a blondie.

Seeing as the weather was perfect I thought Ill do my surfing lesson today. Looking like a typical surfer with the blonde hair, I managed to get through the lesson with minor bumps after falling a few hundred times hehe

The evening continued at Zbar. A greek over 25's party. Its beyond me why I went to a over 25's thing. The music was crap, the people were weird. At least the 1 hour of greek music was satisfying hehe

The weekend continued as I went to a Assyrian festival. It costed me $10 to realise what a mistake I made. The best thing to do was leave and head to a Lebanese festival to recover.

The Lebanese festival only cost me $3 and they had Live music at homebush showground. Watching the Leb girls bellydance was a nice touch to a good busy weekend

The prostitude on Air!

This morning I was listening to the radio and Kyle and Jackie O decided to bring a prostitude live onto air. This was actually quite entertaining as the prostitude was a major hit with the listeners. People were calling in and asking her how much she makes and how many guys she has to sleep with a night. According to "Sarah" she makes around $5, 000 a weekend by doing around 5 or 6 guys a night. Apparently she's only doing it for fun now and she plans to retire soon. She comes from a wealthy catholic family. She only got into it because she wanted to be a rebel LOL

Anyway she prefers to be called a "Working girl" rather than a prostitude or hooker. The program director came on air and told Kyle to wrap it up because they had gone too far. It was actually quite funny when the program director lost it on air. Kyle got upset that he wasnt allowed to take things further but hey apparently the morning program is a family show hahaha

Many listeners called to complain that they had to stop listening because their little kids were in the car while she was on air, while others complained that they couldnt get enough of the whore.

One guy asked for her number and wanted to make a booking. Some idiots!

The Auctions

We rocked up to the auctions so I can search for my new car. This was my first time actually coming to an auction to bid on cars. I've only gone to view cars at the auctions. So it was quite exciting signing up and receiving a bidding number.

The auction started and I was confused on what the hell was going on. The guy was speaking so fast that I wasn't sure what I was hearing. It's like listening to the horses on radio on fast forward mode. Before I knew it the car was sold. I didn't even realise what the final price was for it.

My dad told this asian guy to stop bidding on a car. The asian guy wouldn't listen and kept raising his number up every two seconds. My dad tried explaining to the guy that the car he is bidding on he can buy a new one for $21, 000 dollars. Anyway the asian guy ended up winning the bid and paid $20, 700 for the car. All the way home all I heard in the car was what an idiot this guy was for buying a car he could of got for new.

The cars at the auctions seemed too overpriced for me so we ended up calling it a night!