The Golden Terrace Incident - Finally Here...

Food Poisoning waiting to happen......
Nautiboy Productions

A touch of Shish

The day kicked off when I got flashed by a guy pulling his pants down to show his girlfriends his ass smack bang in the middle of the city. I should have taken this as a sign as to what was yet to come…

7:45pm – I nearly have an asthma attack running to the girl’s hotel to jump into a cab waiting. I jump in, do a quick cab search with my eye – no sign of Abdullah. The journey continues as we head to Sydney Rd in Melbourne. The point of tonight was to try a Turkish restaurant in Melbourne.

We arrived on Sydney Rd and we asked the cab driver if he knew of any good Turkish restaurants. He recommended Alasya Restaurant to us. As we were driving to this restaurant, luckily my cousin spoke in Turkish to me. The cab driver turned around and spoke back to us in Turkish. He turned out to be a Turk and we got excited until we figured out that he was trying to screw us over.

The Turk cab driver told us that after all Alasya restaurant isn’t that good because it was recently shut down when eight people were food poisoned. Like oh my god. What a fuckin idiot. Taking us to our deaths in some dodge restaurant. At least if im going to get food poisoned let the man get food poisoned somewhere respectable. Not some little dodge back alley Turkish restaurant.

So finally the cab driver told us that there was heaps of Turkish restaurants here and he dumped us in the middle of nowhere. We stupidly got out of the cab in some deserted junkie neighbourhood. Poor Tracey was nearly in tears at the thought of someone finding her body in this neighbourhood.

We wandered around searching for food like lost puppy dogs. The street, which was supposed to be a party town, was deserted with a few junkie looking people wandering around. Welcome to Redfern people…

As Tracey grabbed a firm hold of her handbag, she convinced herself and me that there was a guy following us. After a few happy laps around Sydney Rd in the freezing cold we discovered a Turkish Club filled with old men playing card games. There was no way I was going in to ask for directions hehe

We finally found another Turkish sounding restaurant called Rumeli. We stood outside this restaurant for about 15minutes arguing whether it was safe to eat here or not. Meanwhile the two guys sitting near the window were checking the girls out; well let’s hope they were checking them out!

At a time like this, what does one do? Lets call a friend to do a background check. On the phone to our mate Bill in Sydney, it took him half an hour to search his database rating on his PC to tell us that this restaurant was decent. Well what did we do? We waited 10minutes and got Tracey to flash a cab down.

We caught another cab to the beginning of Sydney Road. Paid more cab money and once again the cab driver was Turkish. Its either the Abdullah’s screwing us over or the Turkish cabbies.

We stood outside Golden Terrace. Its quite funny how we don’t learn from anything. Recapping some points. Gozde the Turkish chick from Myer recommended a perfectly good restaurant to us but what do we do? We ignore the lunatic even though we asked for her advice.

We walk inside and even though the woman tells us to wait we sit ourselves while the belly dancing show is going on. We catch a glimpse of entertainment!!!

At this point we are all starving and immediately know that we want kebab. We try ordering kebab to find out that there is no kebab at this restaurant. We should have taken this as a sign and walked out when we could of but what do we continue to do? We order shish kebab.

The food arrives. We dig in like we haven’t eaten since leaving Sydney only to discover a hair in the humus and a bone in Tracey’s shish kebab.

The food was fantastic! Next we need some tea...........

Psycho Dr Quinn

I spent the night in pain, with a huge lump on the side of my throat or whatever it was. For a minute I thought that my tonsils were playing up but then I remembered I had them taken out.

Woke up again around 5:30am and could barely speak. My throat was killing me. I spent the day sleeping till lunchtime. Finally I dragged myself out of bed and asked reception downstairs where I can find a doctor. The bastard told me to go to Bourke St. The least he could do was give me an address or try phoning one up for me.

So I spend the next 20minutes walking up and down Bourke St mall. Finally I get sick of searching for a medical centre so I ask the chemist where I can find a doctor. She points me to the right direction. I rock up to the surgery to be told that they are fully booked out for the day.

So the search begins again. I try another surgery and they are booked out as well. So I call my cousin up and try and get her to find me a doctor. She sends me an sms with the details. I try those surgeries as well and they are both booked out. The last one I try tells me that they are fully booked out but if I come back around 4pm and wait she may be able to squeeze me in between.

So I head back to the hotel, pop a few pills and head back to the surgery. The doctor agrees to see me. I pay $45 for the consultation and head into her office. She stops to make herself a cup of coffee. For crying out loud woman I just spent the last hour waiting in reception and I don’t even get her full attention.

I’m sitting in the office watching her get some coffee into her. So she starts by asking what’s wrong with me. I explain to her that my throat is hurting. She pokes one of those sticks into it and almost makes me vomit because she stuck it in too far.

She starts to panic and tells me that I have caught a Melbourne virus. Trust me to catch something on the first day. I swear I must have a note on my forehead any virus welcome. She tells me that I wont be getting better in a week and that I need 3 weeks bed rest. This is when I crap. Wake up and smell your coffee woman. It was hard enough getting 3 days leave let alone 3 weeks from work.

She then starts to question what the hell I’m doing in Melbourne. She instructs me not to have any wild nights out. Woman what drugs are you on? What is it to you what I get up to in Melbourne? I swear whatever lunatic there is in this world I manage to find along the way.

The best part, I ask her what to take for my throat, she tells me to go downstairs to the chemist and buy aspro clear. For fucks sake you lunatic. I just paid you $45 to tell me to go buy aspro clear when I could have done that myself.

I walk out of the surgery and head back to the hotel. Luckily I found some Amoxil my mum packed me and start popping them…

Moral of the story – Doctors in Melbourne are psycho’s………..

Lunatic tourist on the loose in Melbourne...

It's a train station......
Nautiboy Productions

I’m wandering around the streets of Melbourne when I come across theses two lunatic on the loose trying to take a picture of a train station. For fucks sake, haven’t you people seen a train station in your life? I’m not kidding theses two girls took 15 minutes trying to take a photo of a train station. You think they would take a picture of themselves standing in front of it but no, god forbid if anything got in the way of the building.

Instead what do they do? They cause a traffic jam on the footpath for any normal pedestrian trying to make their way through during peak hour. The chick on the left is pointing her video camera as if the train station is some kind of an amusement park with entertainment. Next thing you know people are preforming circus tricks on top of the train station.

I seriously don’t know what she expected? Footage of homeless streaking in front of the train station? A drunken old fart vomiting near the gates? A Woolworth trolley pushing westie with a cigarette in her mouth begging for loose gold coins to support her drug addiction? Better still Abdullah’s special guest appearance to blow the station up?

The chick on the right, don’t even start me on her. God knows how on earth she coordinated herself holding a handbag and taking a picture. I could have sworn she had a shaking disorder at one stage or some kind of a fit. Maybe it was the tram shaking her about. That thing is deadly man. The minute it zooms past you, half your body is nailed to some ancient building ready to collapse.

So what the hell was I doing taking a picture of tourist taking a picture you may ask? It is very rarely that another lunatic tourist stands there and takes a picture of another lunatic.

THE BOOT KICK OFF - FINALLY HERE!!!

It all started with the boot and ended with the fire...
Nautiboy Productions

8:30am – We walk through customs security check. The alarms go off. We have to take our shoes off and put them in the security scanning machine. The Bosnian princess and myself make it through. The next thing we hear is “SHOE STUCK”! before we know it, the emergency swat team race up to dig my cousin’s shoe, correction boot out of the machine. We knew this was the start of a fantastic holiday!

9:00am – While waiting at our gate, a loud speaker announcement is made that Abdullah’s is on a certain flight. The Bosnian princess panics. We don’t know if that’s a terrorist warning or not. We finally realise that his not on our flight.

9:15am – The camera’s fly out as we start filming anything and everything at the gate. A shot of the plane, a shot of the boot, we have all the required footage.

9:25am – We board the plane. The girls are sitting near the window while I’m deserted like a little puppy dog. I have three seats to myself until the Bosnian princess decides to use the seat next to me as her personal cloak room.

9:30am – No sign of Abdullah. Thank god

9:35am – The plane takes off. We get ready for a continental breakfast

9:50am – Breakfast is served. A disgusting orange and banana muffin. Don’t theses people know that the two don’t mix. We pay 200 bucks and all we get is a lousy muffin.

10:05am – The Bosnian princess yawns

10:15am – The cousin disappears to the toilet, while the Bosnian princess and I plot some events.

10:30am – I almost burp but don’t

10:45am – We get ready for landing. I do a quick search on the plane to see what I can steal

11:00am – We wander over to the baggage collection area in Melbourne while my cousin insists that she’s dying to pee but refuses to pee before she collects her bag.

11:20am – The bags arrive. Were victims as a shuttle bus service guy harasses us to take the shuttle bus instead of a smelly cab. His selling point, there’s a lot of traffic right now. Our point – what the fuck are you going to do, fly us in the air to the hotel.

11:30am – Cigdosh pees while we wait in front of the toilets

11:35am – We find the cab waiting area to discover 7 different queues. Which fuckin queue do we take?

11:40am – The girls flash, I mean stop a cab. We jump into the cab to realise our driver’s name is Abdullah. Is this a sign?

11:50am – The girls ask Abdullah a question. He ignores them. We repeat the question until our deaf Abdullah understands.

12:00 noon – Were almost at the hotel. A confusion arises as we inform Abdullah that were going to two separate hotels. Abdullah not happy with this decision informs us that we should have told him earlier. For fucks sake mate were paying you, do as your told.

12:10pm – The throw the girls off at the hotel. While Abdullah goes around the block to drop me off. Once again he informs me that we should have told him before hand.

12:15pm – Abdullah stops a block from my hotel to dump me. He gives me his number and I start to panic but then realise that he wants future business from us. I jump out of the cab and lift my own luggage from the boot. The first $40 cab ride.

12:20pm – I check into the hotel and throw myself into the shower

1:00pm – I meet the girls for lunch. We wander around like lunatics not knowing where to go. Were all very hungry after that disgusting muffin

1:10pm – We find a café close to our hotel. Its quite trendy and funky looking. We sit ourselves down and read the menu from the blackboard. We each decide to order the chicken skewers with greek salad. The waitress informs us that she’s short staffed and there may be a delay. Trust us to pick this bloody café when I’m about to collapse.

1:20pm – Cigdosh pulls out her camera and insists we take photo’s. I’m starting to worry about her. She’s developed a camera obsession.

1:30pm – Tracey practically screams she’s hungry and the waitress over hears. She informs us that it shouldn’t be too long now.

1:34pm – Due to Tracey’s slight tantrum the meals arrive

1:35pm – We divide in and practically finish our meals

1:40pm – I decide to rest my arm on the table and a skewer goes flying up in the air behind me. Before I knew it, it lands on the table behind me. Luckily the couple behind us had recently left. We decide to leave the skewer hanging.

1:45pm – Tracey complains that she should have gone to an ATM.

1:50pm – We pay the bill and exit as quickly as possible

2:00pm – We find ourselves in Myer on Bourke St mall. This is like our Pitt St Mall. Tracey decides to use me for my discount card and makes random purchases from MAC.

2:30pm – Were wandering around Myer when the girls inform me that they met a cute Turkish girl at the counter. I follow them as we go to the pay point to pay for my cousin’s purchase. As usual I get used again for my discount card. I meet this Turkish girl Gozde. The girls ask her what good Turkish restaurants there are around here and she tells us. Of course we completely ignore her. So what was the point of asking? The girls think Gozde is the best but I sense alittle weirdness to her…

3:00pm – I dump the girls to go to King St to visit my cousin from Melbourne. Along the way I get lost and ask for directions. Melbourne people seriously love the tourist don’t they. Everyone was nice enough to direct me.

3:20pm – I discover my cousin works opposite a strip joint. I now know where to spend my lunchtimes. I walk into the building to find a security guard. I don’t know what floor my cousin is on so I call her. She doesn’t answer my call. So I tell the security guard that I’m here to see my cousin but I don’t know what floor she is on. The security guard looks at me as if I some kind of a lunatic on the loose. He tells me he doesn’t know my cousin. I tell him that because I haven’t even told you her name. Once I do, he drags me across to her. Its an heart warming reunion minus the security guard watching.

3:50pm – I decide to head back to the hotel to meet the girls. The fun part, I get lost again. As I’m walking this guy approaches me and shoves his face in to mine. His breath stinking of alcohol. The fuckwit asks me if I know of a pub around here. I’m like mate I have no idea and continue on my journey.

4:10pm – I call the girls and we meet. This is when I discover that were walking all the way back to where I just came from. For fucks sake people, I could have saved myself the trip.

4:30pm – We wander to the federation square with the SBS building. Tracey takes a few shots of buildings. God forbid if she takes a photos of us.

4:45pm – We discover the soup kitchen kiosk at Federation square. We start our documentary on Melbourne. Tracey takes another shot of a building while Cigdosh and I film the soup kitchen cart.

4:50pm – Cigdosh asks one of the soup guys if we get free soup. This creates a big fuss and we practically race out of the square.

5:00pm – We arrive at south bank to look at the Yarra River or what ever its called. For a moment I sense that I’m in London but reality hits when Cigdosh pushes me out of the way so she can get her modelling shots done at the bridge.

5:10pm – Tracey suggests that we have coffee across from the River. The best idea she’s had all day. We walk down 15,000 steps to realise that this place is deserted.

5:15pm – I scream out I want coffee but am ignored

5:30pm – We search the streets like homeless for coffee. Man I wish I had some soup now. We finally arrive in some dodgy back streets alleys where Tracey is convinced that were going to get mugged.

5:40pm – We arrive to a café to have coffee but decide to have hot chocolate after that fuss. The girls cause a scene at checkout with who to pay for what.

5:45pm – The hot chocolate arrives and we discuss what our plans are for dinner.

6:00pm – We arrive to the hotels where I drift off to sleep.

7:00pm – My alarm clock wakes me up. I jump into the shower and get ready.

7:30pm – The girls make me run to jump into the cab waiting outside their hotel.

7:40pm – We arrive in Lygon St for dinner. We wander around while being harassed by the waiters outside to come into the restaurant. Tracey informs us that we shouldn’t enter any of them. So we keep walking.

7:43pm – A waitress asks us if we would like to come into her restaurant and listen to live music. We turn around to look at the live music and its some old woman pushing buttons on a keyboard. The poor thing looked like she was on her death bed.

7:45pm – We find a nice Italian joint for woodfire pizza. We are served by a gay waiter who insists on taking our drink order. We finally order our dinner and drinks when my cousin notices that we can actually draw on the tablecloth with textures.

8:00pm – Dinner arrives and we reach for a slice of pizza each. This is when my cousin drops half of her toppings into my drink. Before I know it, bits and pieces of toppings is floating about.

8:20pm – We finish dinner and immediately order dessert. We get so greedy that we decide to order two trays of it. The woman looks at us and tells us that were practically being greedy and we can only do with one. The dessert arrives and we we dig in. It’s a very nice pastry with nutella in it. We later discover that its actually pizza dough with nutella that were paying $10 bucks for.

8:45pm – We decide to pay the bill and leave the restaurant after the mess we have made.

9:00pm – We arrive back to the hotel to sleep early for the Great Ocean Road.

11:30pm – I wake up to the following message:

“ It’s 11:30pm we can’t sleep! Our neighbours are having sex. We can hear everything. What do we do?”

12:30am – I get up and vomit…