Levi's View

You don’t always have to start at the beginning although in this case, I really should.

For it was quite a memorable one. In the backpackers world it is not often you are met at the airport – for these moments are cherished and eagerly anticipated – but when it is by total surprise, well that’s just about enough to bring any budget-conscious, English-starved, friend-from-home-deprived traveller to tears. But, it happened and it happened to me in Athens!

Courtesy of Jamal and Chloe (names withheld to protect those that we hold dearest.) who spent, I imagine, a wildly exciting 5 or so hours awaiting my arrival (and my bag - which was the real source of my delay, it arrived a day later). Anyway my friends, that was only the beginning and perhaps to the clued in observer, a sign of things to come.

Things heated up quite quickly when we arrived in downtown Athens; yes I know can you believe the airport is not downtown?

I managed to get propositioned by a dirty old man while eating a banana on a dark street corner late at night (go figure?) whilst waiting to be smuggled into Jamal and Chloe’s hotel.

Anyway after the people smuggling was arranged and executed, I myself had to snuggle into a pair of budgie smugglers (which the kind folk at British airways had provided in lieu of my delayed luggage) before we could hit the town in search of food.

After a brief parade and photo shoot, my first lingerie modelling experience, we headed out on the town and ran into some more mischief … as you do. Just the usual confusion over random stalkers, where to eat, what one should order, what you end up eating, and how much one should bother paying for the experience. All in all, a standard traveller experience when you have no idea what the heck is going on!

Speaking of not knowing what’s going on and standard traveller experiences, which really go hand in hand, I would like to talk about drug taking and backup plans. Kids, don’t do drugs. And kids, always know where your nearest exit is, and remember your nearest exit could be behind you (British airways just keeps on giving.) Which really leads quite fluidly into what happened during our 2nd full day together in Athens.

Now the original plan was to head out to Delphi – a UNESCO listed world heritage site about a 5-hour bus ride from Athens. Instead, due to some poor advice about travel times and bus schedules, we were forced into plan b (at 7am might I add) and our backup destination, Sunion – an archaeological site perched a top a cliff about 90 mins from our hotel.

Let us just say that because of this “cock-up” (a common term in Athens) the day did in fact turn out quite brilliantly. And thus because of our little backup plan the Delphi debacle turned into surprisingly spectacular Sounion.

Anyway, alliteration aside … it really was a spectacular day – one better spent looking out over the shores of the med, rather than riding a hot bus for the best part of the day.

We picnicked with our stolen rolls and sandwiches (from our ever providing hotel, bless them) and gazed out to sea. Undoubtedly though the greatest part of this day, for me at least, but I assume for Jamal and Chloe too, was when they popped their sleeping pills and started drooling on themselves and for good measure, snoring too!!

Thankfully the bus was sparsely populated enough that the scarce few passengers were able to move to the far extremities of the bus in order to best avoid the escalating (drug induced) nasal orchestra that was echoing all over the place. In case you were wondering, this performance was repeated on both legs of the trip!! Kids, don’t do drugs.

Although many lessons were learnt, about backup plans and drug taking, much happened in our brief few days together and it is wise to stick to the best stories. (That or embellish the dregs to the point of them reaching an entirely new level!) And it goes without saying that as always there are three sides to all of these stories and as such you the discerning reader should reach your own conclusion about what truly would have taken place. Although trusting the word of airport-vagabonds people-smuggling drug-takers seems a little unwise to me … nevertheless …

I hope to write further pieces on the travels of Jamal and Chloe but anticipate that due to a couple of pending lawsuits (character defamation and slander … pfft) I will be kept very busy over the next few weeks. So until next time kids, remember don’t do drugs, know where your nearest exit is and then all that’s left is too … get it on like donkey kong!!

Josh O.

Oishii's View

Where do I start?

Istanbul

I met up with you in Istanbul. My first time travelling to a non-asian country. (The airport is on the Europe side ok? Shut up) For a “Welcome to Istanbul” +“OMG I haven’t seen you in 4 months” present, you decide to take me to a porn cinema. Yes, the porn cinema you didn’t get to go to because your friend lost his ATM card or something. So being the only female asian in pink, I decided to start the holiday by going to a porn cinema with you with absolutely no idea what was going on.

There was of course, the Grand Bazaar with much bargaining and shopping and threatening to smash something. And who can forget the 15 belts I bought along with the 4 scarfs? Which came useful when we went to the mosque before going on a tour around Istanbul. Not before the tour company tried to charge me double the price whilst giving you a discount.

The nonstop hotel swapping because we kept changing our accomodation! Who the hell moves down a street, then moves back and then across the road? I don’tthink I want to pack a suitcase for another 6 months.

We also did the tour of the asia side where we get dragged into this abandoned building only for you to score free porn DVDs.

Athens

Who could forget that. What type of sick person gets onto the plane and decides that the minute the plane lands, we’re changing the plane tickets to leave the damn place earlier. This was followed by a lot of argument, on my side,insisting that we ask someone how to get to the hotel with you insisting that a cab ride won’t cost that much. You owe me $100.

There was the whole “Lets wait at the airport for 6 hours for our friend even though we don’t have his flight details and there was no way to contact him”incident. You almost getting arrested for trying to film a secure area in the airport. Josh losing all his luggage. Twice. We really cursed him.

Acropolis

Mr “I’ve always wanted to go to the acropolis” takes us to the Acropolis but then decides that we’re at the wrong place despite being surrounded by tourists. This resulted in me climbing down the side of a mountain because YOU insisted that it was a shortcut and us bumping into a guy peeing in the bushes only to find out that we WERE at the Acropolis. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Mykonos

Ahhhh Mykonos. Lets see….

• You chucking a tantrum on the ferry insisting that we plant our asses in the food court because you didn’t want to walk around when all we had to do was walk 20m down the corridoor and grab a few reclining couches with TV!

• The whole “losing the ferry tickets” incident. *Cough* my bad. At least we found it after!

• Paradise beach where there was topless people everywhere! Including the 80year old hairy guy with D cup man boobs for a skinny ass dude.

• The woman that had her nipple being licked by her dog

• The nice sand whipping and gale force wind we experienced at the beach, at thehotel, in town and basically everywhere we went.

• The whole exchange woman, $40 woman, crazy hat woman and constipated woman incident that you caused.

• Me having the doors slammed in my face, not once, not twice, but three times!

• Stalking Petros at 2am in the morning.

• The 60 year old guy at the corner shop trying to pick me up.

• The 24hour café that was only open for 12 hours

• Walking around Mykonos with a water bottle filled with Vodka and OJ

• Skandinavian bar. Wait….this needs it own paragraph

Skandinavian bar

The $60 we spend on 4 drinks, you ditching me MULTIPLE times on the dance floor,even when I was asking for help. Us running into a gay bar so I could hide.

You deciding to “overtake” people where the road narrows or deciding to chat to certain people. Both resulted in my getting screwed sideways.

You getting drooled on by a 40 year old woman, AFTER you get grabbed by a random chick so she can take a photo of you.

Both of us getting an eyeful of the “Josh lookalike” butt crack.

The woman who came up to tell me what a beautiful dancer I was.

But it wasn’t all bad at Mykonos. I did get to witness you getting chased up a hill by a massive dog where you practically pee yourself in fear. All for a good photo opportunity.

Me convincing you to keep buying oil paintings. How much did you spend in total? $200? Let me guess, not a single one of the paintings are hanging in your house.

And the most memorable moment of Mykonos?

“Due to weather conditions, all ferries have been cancelled”.

Trust us to get stranded on a bloody deserted island! The best bit is us paying $300 to fly off the island where the plane almost crashes into the ground only for us to get back to Sydney and keep complaining how much we miss Mykonos.

So.... wanna go again to finish our unfinished business?

The welcome back screw

Used & Abused

What type of a sick friend offers to organise you a dinner get together for her own benefit? Does anyone else have lunatic friends like I do or is it simply just me? I mean I get 28 emails before I arrive insisting we have a dinner get together that she organises with my cousins and friends. I agree but tell her that we should organise this once I get back to Sydney.

I step foot into Sydney and she informs me that she booked the restaurant and invited my cousin. I was confused and tired and decided to go along with the whole thing. Little do I know what this whole she bang of hers is about.

I rock up to the evening to find out the truth. She has gone to this effect apparently for me yeah right!!! Her plan – She invited one of her university friends, which I apparently know. I think I’ve spoken to the guy like once before in my life. This guy was supposed to bring along two of his mates which she has a thing for one of them.

She tells my cousin and our other friend to come as well. My cousin’s response is Ill come if there are nice hot looking Turkish guys coming. For crying out loud do I have a dating service written on my head or something that people are using and abusing me the minute I step back into the country? Well cuz all I can say is you got screwed harder than I did cuz that Indian guy is married and I was the only Turkish guy there.

Oh yes she conviently forgot to tell the girls that this Indian guy who was coming was actually a MARRIED man. Anyway after wrapping herself into this spider web of deceit and betrayal the guys decided not to turn up.

The waiter slams the bill in front of me and came back three times to ask if we have made the payment yet. The total payment comes to $252 and yes they charged for the 3 men that haven’t appeared yet.

Were trying to look busy thinking of a plan to ditch the bill. Watching the chick that’s been swinging from one end of the floor to the other by herself as if she was doing a dance show for the entire audience we managed to kill some time.

The tables got empty, the tablecloths started coming off, and the waitress started collecting the plates. The waitress died of shock when she spotted my friends bag. Yes we will get to this bag in a minute. The waitress dropped the entire plates she had in her hands. Humus, yogurt and numerous other mezes went flying across the tables. I knew that ridiculous bag would cause something that night.

Now to get to that bag. Were do I even start. Seriously I think they collected bits and pieces off the streets in India to put that bag together. I couldn’t even get rid of it. I tried paying for the bill by placing the bag inside. I even offered it to the waitress but she was disgusted with the fact I offered her the bag.

Finally after midnight, when the whole dinner and show was over the 3 men decided to show up. As they collected their doggy bags we were on our way home.

Now the conversation in the car on the way home. I was half asleep and still don’t understand what they were on about but here it goes:


Friend 1: “He was big”
Friend 2: “Yeah he was. Nice”
Friend 1: “I’m not a vegetarian”

I will leave the rest to your imagination. If anyone has any input on this they may feel the urge to email me for further details. And just for the record the cute fireman my friend is after did turn up and we managed to get a glimpse of him due to my benefit dinner.

The recovery

It was a long sleep after arriving home. I think I slept over 15 hours to recover. I was woken up when Myer decided to call and ask me when I’m returning back to work. Being jet lagged I couldn’t even think straight. I think I randomly screamed something at the chick and told her I would call when I’m ready. For crying out loud what kind of a sick person calls someone, knowing that they've just got back home from a long trip.

I was in a lot of pain. Because I slept for most of the trip from Singapore to Sydney, I didn’t move much on the plane. I was now paining the price for it. My back was killing me and every part of my body was in serious pain. The next few days were spent trying to recover.

The first contact outside

Today I thought I’ll go sort out my bank accounts and financial stuff. So I drove to the bank and it suddenly hit me that I was back at home when I heard people talking in English. For a minute I think I was really disgusted. I mean for the past 4 months all I’ve been hearing is Turkish where ever I go and now it felt strange. I felt like a stranger in my own country. It no longer felt like home here.

Nothing seemed to be appealing to me. I looked around thinking what’s this country actually got. I really started to miss Istanbul so there was only one thing to do. I headed to Auburn.

The shaving incident

This was the biggest mistake as I was practically in tears thinking what the hell is this place. I couldn’t even stand Auburn now.

I went to get a shave. I waited like 20 minutes before this old guy asked me to sit on the chair. His hands were shaking. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. The guy finished shaving me and I paid $12 compared to $2 in Istanbul.

I walked to my car and checked out my face in the mirror only to realise that the old guy didn’t shave me probably. I had bits of hair on the face still. I had to rush home and shave myself. This is when I realised I missed Kenan.

Recaping Emails

Here are some of the weird emails I received while being away. I thought ill share some of them with you all......

The Insane Obessessed one had a dirty dream about me

Hey u,

How freaky is that? I remember waking up and thinking "I have to remember this!" (I usually forget)

You were staying at my house for some reason. I got up and was getting ready to go to work. You were up as well and sitting in my living room. I then got out these cop dvd's and told you to watch them during the day cause u had absolutely nothing to do.

Hmmmm.....not far from the truth eh? I have to work hard for every penny while ur bloody relaxing! Thought I'd share it with u...hurry up and write to me my little expired Turkish delight.

Cherry strikes again

Missing you heaps...i told Lily that if i had withdrawl symptoms, badly, i would put the photo i took of you with my fone as the wallpaper!

Love and abuse

OMG!! MOISHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

I miss you already! Chao reckons i've gone weird to make up for your weirdness!!I want sand from venice beach!! Pee free thanks. Bring be back a slice of pizza! Or just take a picture of ur face next to the pizza!!

Ur cousin sucks!! He wont send me the itinerary! Anyway, my friend works in insurance and I can get travel insurance for $80. 50% cheaper than that thing you signed up with! HA! Screwed urself over! MAUahaUahaUAha Went on a freaky "date" thing on the weekend. Rather not talk about it.

The greek guy

Hey man! Good to hear from you! the most exciting thing is big brother series 89 anyway, when you get to Greece make sure you buy a koboloi. worry beads in the barbarian tongue.

The inspired one

Get ready for filming when we get back. I just got inspired!!

Cow's head found outside Hirst's studio A cow's head and other rotting remains have been found outside a buildingowned by artist Damien Hirst.

The decomposing remains were found in a crate by a neighbour outside Hirst'sstudio in the Gloucestershire village of Chalford.Clive Eagles said: "It was disgusting - I couldn't believe it when I liftedthe lid off.

It was like something out of a horror film. It was so bad on Sunday night it was coming in the house and making everybody sick."

The detective strikes again

how the hell did u climb the eiffle tower considering your scared of heights?

The indecent proposal to film

Well if you go back to Europe with me on a Contiki tour next year, i wont mind doing some filming in Paris with you! ;) Of course i miss you, any time that i am bored...i think about those days we would be filming another incident and then i would miss you even more!

The insane request

Go to the grand bazaar, mark out all the stores that I will be interested in, draw up a detailedmap and find out which route is the shortest to get through the entire grand bazaar. Make sure in your map, you mark out the shortest route that also goes through the toilet and rest areas. Thats incase I cant find a portable port-a-loo and 2 guys to carry the damn thing for me. Oh, find out where i can try those appleflavoured bong things as well.

The Appendix

They didnt give the appendix to her, so i couldnt steal it from her...Lily asked her if they gave it to her, and she said no... Lily then told her that u wanted her appendix...it aint happening... Lily and i were about to steal a hospital bed, but it wouldnt fit in my boot of the car!

The need to laugh

I MISS U!!! I NEED TO LAUGH, WHEN ARE U COMING BACK??? I HAVENT LAUGHED IN A LONG TIME LIKE I USE TO IN THE BACK SEAT OF UR CAR!!!

Welcome to Sydney...

I can't tell you much of the flight from Singapore to Sydney as I took a motion sickness tablet and slept for most of it. The only worst part was I was sitting in the middle again and there was this lady on the edge. I was concerned that I would probably knock her out if I had to run to the toilet.

After sleeping for majority of the trip the plane landed. As the plane landed I had tears rolling down. I was back home. It was back to normal life after months and months of exciting days.

After dragging ourselves off the plane we manage to walk out and find my dad, grandmother, brother and family friends waiting for us. My grandmother hugged me and said she would never let me go again. It felt good being home. It felt safe. But deep down all I could think was Istanbul - why did I leave?

On the plane home...

Were finally on the flight only for me to be trapped in the middle of everything. On one side my mother is freaking out about the flight, while my friend is pocketting every item available from the toilets into her pocket and dumping in our bags. There was only one thing to do. I ordered my mother a scotch and coke while I popped a motion sickness tablet to knock me out. Anything was better than dealing with this. Meanwhile I watched mean girls and laughed out every 2 seconds. I wasn't sure if the movie was funny or I had taken a wrong pill.

Were in Dubai

We arrive in Dubai only to swap flights. We ran off the flight and before I could even consider exploring any part of the airport my mother panics that were missing the connecting flight. So we quickly do a lap and end up back in the terminal only to realise we have to wait 45 minutes. This is when I get blamed that my mother could have had 5 smokes in the smoking room outside the terminal. So for spite I threaten her that if she leaves for a smoke that I will board the plane and she will miss her flight.

Meanwhile to make time past we take random photos of the airport. Im feeling pretty drugged up at this stage.

Finally we arrive back on the plane. I can't remember what movie was playing but I remember wanting to watch spiderman 2. Meanwhile my friend manages to pocket more toothbrushes and eye masks. My mother starts to panic if they search her bag how the hell she's going to explain the 15 toothbrushes we took.

My friend starts to get excited that Gordon Ramsey, a famous chef has prepared one of the plane dishes. Mr so called famous chef ruined my trip. I barely made it into the toilet to vomit the food back out. For crying out loud what the hell was that. Trust me trying to vomit on a plane isn't pleasant. I thought my lungs were exploding out of my mouth. I don't know how the hell I made it back to the seat in time for landing. Actually I think we might have landed while I was throwing up. I don't remember. I just remember pushing people out of my way when they were grabbing their bags so that I can vomit again. The year of the vomit returns for one last vomit.

Were in Singapore

We arrive in Singapore where we farewell my friend but not before my mother insists that we take a photo together with vomit dripping down my mouth still. My friend goes off to shop while my mother and I do some duty free shopping.

We go back to the terminal only for me to start feeling the need to vomit. I ran out of the terminal while my mother is panicking that im going to miss the flight. This time I don't have any time to listen to her. I race back to the toilet and let it all out again. This throw up was the best. I think it helped clear what it was inside of me that wanted to come out. I struggle back to the terminal wanting to go home only to discover that our flight has been delayed. We end up waiting for another 45 minutes while they clean the bloody plane up.

Farewell Istanbul - 2004

The last seconds in Istanbul

The phone rings at 6:30am... I pick it... Its my mother... Apparently she hasn't slept all night cuz she thought we would miss the flight... She tells me to get up and get to my cousins place by 9am... Our flight is at 1:30pm... I randomly scream something at her and hang up...

7am : Some inconsiderate persons phone throws me off the bed. For crying out loud if the phoen isn't screaming "Christine", its playing some ridiculous jazz or rock music. My heart was skipping. I couldnt decide what to do. Shower? Breakfast? what the ?

After showering, we ran for breakfast. I can't remember much of the breakfast but all I remember was that they ran out of coffee at 7:30am. I was like how the hell do you run out of coffee this early in the morning. According to my friend I went to grab an olive with my fork and the olive flew over my head. I remember this happening but I thought it was on a previous day. Anyway none of us bothered to look for this olive.

We ran back upstairs, grab our suitcases and manage to get a cab to my cousins place in Mecidyekoy. We arrive in time to stop my mother panicking. She probably thought we were going to leave her here. We left all our luggage downstairs with my mother standing there watching them.

We ran in the rain to say farewell to my barber. We found Kenan outside and it was a sad farewell. On the way back to my cousins we went to grab some bread to take on the flight incase we get hungry. Dont ask me why. It was my mothers idea ok.

Back to the apartment, I had to carry 6 suitcases down 3 flight of stairs. My uncle didn't want to help so he sat there eating breakfast while I did the job. Finally my hands were numb and on my last trip down the plastic broke and my asthma ventilator machine went crashing 3 flights of stairs. Some how the machine survived the crash.

After final farewells with the family we jumped into a taxi that was prebooked the night before. Its beyond me how the hell we fitted in this taxi with like 8 suitcases. The taxi was a station wagon and the agreed price for the trip was 25million. Little did we know he would screw us over. We arrived at the airport only for the taxi driver insisting 45million from us because we had more luggage than expected.

After getting screwed by the taxi driver you think we would learn. No we dont. Instead we get screwed again by the porter who ran up to the taxi to screw us. He insisted on carrying or seriously just pushing our luggage across the road into security check. This costed us about 15million. FFS were already over 60million just getting to the airport. But wait theres still more...

We arrived to the airport extremely early that we couldn't check in. So we had to squat on the ground in front of the counter. Meanwhile my friend decides to go get us coffee only to get screwed again by paying 21million for 3 coffees. Like what the hell is that about. They charged her 5 times the amount you would normally pay for coffee.

Finally the counter opened and we checked in. After all the fuss both my mother and my friend decided to go pee. Only for them to find the female toilets flooded with water and naked woman wandering the toilets. Somehow theses woman were showering in the toilets. I still don't understand how the hell they were doing this. According to my friend there are theses funny hoses in the toilets in turkey. The hose apparently sticks out where the water comes out to flush the toilet. Apparently theses woman rigged the toilet so that there was continous water flowing. I was in shock. What kind of person uses a toilet to shower. This was ridicuous. The woman were treating it as a hamam.

In between my mother was panicking about missing the flight even though we had over 1 and a half hours before boarding time. So we decided to shut her up so we went into the terminal and waited there. We left her sitting there while we tried looking for a money exchange to exchange our money. We only found a place that had no US or Singapore dollars. So we got stuck with the turkish money. I managed to quickly run into a cd shop and buy a last minute DVD to spend my money.

Finally we return to pick my mum up only to discover her panicking thinking we left her there.
She was still panicking so we decided to take her to the gate. We finally entered the gate and waited.

Suddently the lights switch off in the terminal and everyone panics. What the hell was going on? Why were the lights switching off? Meanwhile my mother is panicking that the size of the plane looks small and unsafe. Yes I know size matters but this was a jumbo plane. Finally the lights come back on and its time for boarding.

The last minute screw

We finally board the plane and wait. Thinking its all good things decide to change at the last minute when the pilot annouces that because the run way was under construction, we're supposed to do a 180 degree turn on the runway in order to take off.

Unfortunetly, because our plane is so big, we can't actually do that. So we were stopping at the runway to wait for a tow truck to tow us onto the runway and turn us around in the right direction. Now can you imagine me trying explain this one to my mother.......?

The final barber incident

The shop up in smoke

Ok we all know that I can't go anywhere without there being a drama. Well this is yet another one for the records. Seriously all I wanted was a last shave in Istanbul before I jetted off. Well I got my shave but things didn't seem to turn out as they were supposed to.

I rocked up to my barber ie Kenan for all that don't know. He was extremely happy to see me as its been about 2 weeks since I last saw him. I broke the news to him that I was leaving Istanbul tomorrow to return back to Sydney. The poor guy was practically in tears. His hands were shaking. I didn't realise how close of friends we had become. I suppose its different in Sydney. You go and get ur haircut but you don't tend to have a close friendship with the person cutting your hair. Well in Turkey thats different. I used to see Kenan every third day practically and he knew I was travelling from Sydney and we seemed to become close friends.

While Kenan was working on my hair construction workers arrived into the shop. The next thing I know they start to drill into the tiles and before I know it all this dust blows onto me. I was choking and couldn't breathe for minutes. The manager stormed across screaming at the construction workers to stop. Kenan and the manager had to take me outside the shop as I was having difficulties breathing. After several minutes struggling to get some air they manage to sit me down and I slowly recovered.

For crying out loud what kind of an idiot starts construction work when there are clients in the shop. Stupid inconsiderate people.

It was last minute farewells with the staff. I promised Kenan to visit him in the morning before I left.

After the incident I jumped into a cab and headed back to the hotel. I arrived at the hotel only to hear someone screaming their lungs at me. I thought I was getting abused for something I didn't do. I looked up to see that my friend was screaming for water. For crying out loud woman why couldn't you go down and get your water instead of waking up the entire neighbourhood that you wanted water. I hope you got your water and shoved it down your throat like there was no tomorrow. LOL

This was the last night in Istanbul. I had to grab a quick shower and start packing. Where the hell would I start? I started unpacking everything first and then repacking. I was looking forward to going home but deep down I wanted to stay here in Istanbul....