THE BOOT KICK OFF - FINALLY HERE!!!

It all started with the boot and ended with the fire...
Nautiboy Productions

8:30am – We walk through customs security check. The alarms go off. We have to take our shoes off and put them in the security scanning machine. The Bosnian princess and myself make it through. The next thing we hear is “SHOE STUCK”! before we know it, the emergency swat team race up to dig my cousin’s shoe, correction boot out of the machine. We knew this was the start of a fantastic holiday!

9:00am – While waiting at our gate, a loud speaker announcement is made that Abdullah’s is on a certain flight. The Bosnian princess panics. We don’t know if that’s a terrorist warning or not. We finally realise that his not on our flight.

9:15am – The camera’s fly out as we start filming anything and everything at the gate. A shot of the plane, a shot of the boot, we have all the required footage.

9:25am – We board the plane. The girls are sitting near the window while I’m deserted like a little puppy dog. I have three seats to myself until the Bosnian princess decides to use the seat next to me as her personal cloak room.

9:30am – No sign of Abdullah. Thank god

9:35am – The plane takes off. We get ready for a continental breakfast

9:50am – Breakfast is served. A disgusting orange and banana muffin. Don’t theses people know that the two don’t mix. We pay 200 bucks and all we get is a lousy muffin.

10:05am – The Bosnian princess yawns

10:15am – The cousin disappears to the toilet, while the Bosnian princess and I plot some events.

10:30am – I almost burp but don’t

10:45am – We get ready for landing. I do a quick search on the plane to see what I can steal

11:00am – We wander over to the baggage collection area in Melbourne while my cousin insists that she’s dying to pee but refuses to pee before she collects her bag.

11:20am – The bags arrive. Were victims as a shuttle bus service guy harasses us to take the shuttle bus instead of a smelly cab. His selling point, there’s a lot of traffic right now. Our point – what the fuck are you going to do, fly us in the air to the hotel.

11:30am – Cigdosh pees while we wait in front of the toilets

11:35am – We find the cab waiting area to discover 7 different queues. Which fuckin queue do we take?

11:40am – The girls flash, I mean stop a cab. We jump into the cab to realise our driver’s name is Abdullah. Is this a sign?

11:50am – The girls ask Abdullah a question. He ignores them. We repeat the question until our deaf Abdullah understands.

12:00 noon – Were almost at the hotel. A confusion arises as we inform Abdullah that were going to two separate hotels. Abdullah not happy with this decision informs us that we should have told him earlier. For fucks sake mate were paying you, do as your told.

12:10pm – The throw the girls off at the hotel. While Abdullah goes around the block to drop me off. Once again he informs me that we should have told him before hand.

12:15pm – Abdullah stops a block from my hotel to dump me. He gives me his number and I start to panic but then realise that he wants future business from us. I jump out of the cab and lift my own luggage from the boot. The first $40 cab ride.

12:20pm – I check into the hotel and throw myself into the shower

1:00pm – I meet the girls for lunch. We wander around like lunatics not knowing where to go. Were all very hungry after that disgusting muffin

1:10pm – We find a café close to our hotel. Its quite trendy and funky looking. We sit ourselves down and read the menu from the blackboard. We each decide to order the chicken skewers with greek salad. The waitress informs us that she’s short staffed and there may be a delay. Trust us to pick this bloody café when I’m about to collapse.

1:20pm – Cigdosh pulls out her camera and insists we take photo’s. I’m starting to worry about her. She’s developed a camera obsession.

1:30pm – Tracey practically screams she’s hungry and the waitress over hears. She informs us that it shouldn’t be too long now.

1:34pm – Due to Tracey’s slight tantrum the meals arrive

1:35pm – We divide in and practically finish our meals

1:40pm – I decide to rest my arm on the table and a skewer goes flying up in the air behind me. Before I knew it, it lands on the table behind me. Luckily the couple behind us had recently left. We decide to leave the skewer hanging.

1:45pm – Tracey complains that she should have gone to an ATM.

1:50pm – We pay the bill and exit as quickly as possible

2:00pm – We find ourselves in Myer on Bourke St mall. This is like our Pitt St Mall. Tracey decides to use me for my discount card and makes random purchases from MAC.

2:30pm – Were wandering around Myer when the girls inform me that they met a cute Turkish girl at the counter. I follow them as we go to the pay point to pay for my cousin’s purchase. As usual I get used again for my discount card. I meet this Turkish girl Gozde. The girls ask her what good Turkish restaurants there are around here and she tells us. Of course we completely ignore her. So what was the point of asking? The girls think Gozde is the best but I sense alittle weirdness to her…

3:00pm – I dump the girls to go to King St to visit my cousin from Melbourne. Along the way I get lost and ask for directions. Melbourne people seriously love the tourist don’t they. Everyone was nice enough to direct me.

3:20pm – I discover my cousin works opposite a strip joint. I now know where to spend my lunchtimes. I walk into the building to find a security guard. I don’t know what floor my cousin is on so I call her. She doesn’t answer my call. So I tell the security guard that I’m here to see my cousin but I don’t know what floor she is on. The security guard looks at me as if I some kind of a lunatic on the loose. He tells me he doesn’t know my cousin. I tell him that because I haven’t even told you her name. Once I do, he drags me across to her. Its an heart warming reunion minus the security guard watching.

3:50pm – I decide to head back to the hotel to meet the girls. The fun part, I get lost again. As I’m walking this guy approaches me and shoves his face in to mine. His breath stinking of alcohol. The fuckwit asks me if I know of a pub around here. I’m like mate I have no idea and continue on my journey.

4:10pm – I call the girls and we meet. This is when I discover that were walking all the way back to where I just came from. For fucks sake people, I could have saved myself the trip.

4:30pm – We wander to the federation square with the SBS building. Tracey takes a few shots of buildings. God forbid if she takes a photos of us.

4:45pm – We discover the soup kitchen kiosk at Federation square. We start our documentary on Melbourne. Tracey takes another shot of a building while Cigdosh and I film the soup kitchen cart.

4:50pm – Cigdosh asks one of the soup guys if we get free soup. This creates a big fuss and we practically race out of the square.

5:00pm – We arrive at south bank to look at the Yarra River or what ever its called. For a moment I sense that I’m in London but reality hits when Cigdosh pushes me out of the way so she can get her modelling shots done at the bridge.

5:10pm – Tracey suggests that we have coffee across from the River. The best idea she’s had all day. We walk down 15,000 steps to realise that this place is deserted.

5:15pm – I scream out I want coffee but am ignored

5:30pm – We search the streets like homeless for coffee. Man I wish I had some soup now. We finally arrive in some dodgy back streets alleys where Tracey is convinced that were going to get mugged.

5:40pm – We arrive to a café to have coffee but decide to have hot chocolate after that fuss. The girls cause a scene at checkout with who to pay for what.

5:45pm – The hot chocolate arrives and we discuss what our plans are for dinner.

6:00pm – We arrive to the hotels where I drift off to sleep.

7:00pm – My alarm clock wakes me up. I jump into the shower and get ready.

7:30pm – The girls make me run to jump into the cab waiting outside their hotel.

7:40pm – We arrive in Lygon St for dinner. We wander around while being harassed by the waiters outside to come into the restaurant. Tracey informs us that we shouldn’t enter any of them. So we keep walking.

7:43pm – A waitress asks us if we would like to come into her restaurant and listen to live music. We turn around to look at the live music and its some old woman pushing buttons on a keyboard. The poor thing looked like she was on her death bed.

7:45pm – We find a nice Italian joint for woodfire pizza. We are served by a gay waiter who insists on taking our drink order. We finally order our dinner and drinks when my cousin notices that we can actually draw on the tablecloth with textures.

8:00pm – Dinner arrives and we reach for a slice of pizza each. This is when my cousin drops half of her toppings into my drink. Before I know it, bits and pieces of toppings is floating about.

8:20pm – We finish dinner and immediately order dessert. We get so greedy that we decide to order two trays of it. The woman looks at us and tells us that were practically being greedy and we can only do with one. The dessert arrives and we we dig in. It’s a very nice pastry with nutella in it. We later discover that its actually pizza dough with nutella that were paying $10 bucks for.

8:45pm – We decide to pay the bill and leave the restaurant after the mess we have made.

9:00pm – We arrive back to the hotel to sleep early for the Great Ocean Road.

11:30pm – I wake up to the following message:

“ It’s 11:30pm we can’t sleep! Our neighbours are having sex. We can hear everything. What do we do?”

12:30am – I get up and vomit…