I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT MILAN...

2007's Vomit Queen

Another 6am wake up call today. The same routine applies - shower, luggage & breakfast. We walk downstairs to the breakfast hall to plant ourselves on the nearest table near the window for our last minute views. This is when Irene and Carl join us. We labelled them Irene and Carl because she looks like Irene from Home & Away and he looks like Carl from Neighbours, plus their from Melbourne! We have issues.

Moving right along, were starting to sip our coffees when Camera Susan and her daughter Rachel decide to sit on the table next to us. As they are sitting Ron and Good Old show up. Ron tries moving Good Old’s jacket from the seat Camera Susan was trying to sit on. Next thing you know Camera Susan causes a huge fuss refusing to sit at their table. This awkwardness started at San Gimignano remember? Instead Camera Susan insisted on moving people to make room for them on another table. Honestly these people have issues!

This was probably the most exciting thing all morning as Irene and Carl were boring. It was torture sitting there trying to make conversation with people who weren’t exactly talkative. I cant deal with shit like this in the morning. We quickly finished breakfast and raced back to our room.

I think the wine has started killing one too many brain cells. I was totally all over the shop this morning. I had to race back downstairs to locate my suitcase as I locked away all my spare cash in there stupidly. I was lucky the suitcases were all lined up outside the bus and Umberto hasn’t packed them into the bus yet. I quickly unlock my suitcase and grab my money as a waiter was staring at me. I think he thinks I’m trying to break into someone’s suitcase.

I rush back upstairs to grab my hand luggage and walk back downstairs with Lucy. We stood at reception waiting for 10 minutes to hand over our new postcard to Christine. I think the entire bellboys were on a break or loading our suitcases onto the bus. I swear the efforts we have to go for Christine!

We strolled onto the bus and sat down when I had a panic attack. I felt my jeans to realise I don’t have our petty cash wallet. Lucy screamed something at me while I was running half way down the bus to tell Cabbage Patch. I screamed at Cabbage Patch that I left something in my room and had to run back up. I stormed back to reception, demanded my room key and ran upstairs to the room. I pulled the sheets off the bed in a mad search for the wallet. 2 minutes later I had searched the entire room and the wallet was no where to be seen. I ran back downstairs and handed the key to reception. I raced back onto the bus while getting a dirty look from Cabbage Patch for holding up the tour. I sat down while Lucy questioned if I found it or not. It was then that it occurred to me that it was in my jacket pocket and not my jeans. FFS I’m totally losing it. Its too early in the morning.

I’m trying to relax on the bus when Cabbage Patch makes an announcement on her bloody microphone that she is going to collect the money for all the optional excursions. Great this is all I need now. Lucy and I had decided to do a maximum of 2 optional excursions before the tour commenced. Some how we were up to 5 optional excursions. Fuck it we only live once.

Just as Cabbage Patch is approaching us to collect money, we see Renee storming over in a mad panic attack. For a minute I thought Renee was going to snatch the money off us. Instead she mumbled something to Cabbage Patch and they both stormed off down to the front of the bus. Next thing we see is Prisonbreak chick jumping off her seat trying to escape. We don’t know what’s happening.

It is then that we discover that the Indian slash Italian Nita had passed out and ended up throwing up. Apparently she told Renee she doesn’t feel well and the next thing you know she passed out. Her hubby was sitting at the back of the bus and had to race to the front to help his wife.

Cabbage Patch looked completely confused and disgusted. She stormed to the front of the bus to grab the microphone. We all assumed she was announcing that the bus had to stop due to the circumstances when we heard “Well now I have to tell you something about Milan…”

Just as she finished there was a huge fuss near Nita so Cabbage Patch stormed back to check. We suspect Nita vomited again. We were sitting towards the back of the bus so we didn’t exactly get VIP seats. Actually were lucky we didn’t. Knowing our luck she would vomit all over us. While Cabbage Patch Is standing in the vomit scene watching all of this, Diane and Good Old start to argue about the best way to look after the vomit queen. Good Old wins when she screams that she passes out all the time and knows how to handle this situation. Poor Diane doesn’t have a come back to that.

This is when Good Old jumps up from her seat, steps into the vomit in her designer shoes to look at the vomit queen. Some how Good Old gets left with the cleaning up of the vomit while Cabbage Patch runs back to her microphone to make another announcement. This time I’m certain she’s stopping the bus when she blurts out “Well now I really have to tell you something about Milan”. What the hell is wrong with her? This poor woman has passed out and vomited all over the place, she’s trying to give us facts and figures about Milan and to top it off one of the 81 year olds is taking notes about Milan in his little notebook!

Now this has been a major highlight morning. The bus eventually pulls into Milan after a traffic jam. Were all escorted off except for the two Indian slash Italians. They decide to lay Nita on the back seat to recover while we do some sightseeing.

Milan is one of the largest cities in Italy. Milan is also reowned as one of the world capitals of design and fashion.

While on the bus we spotted this needle and a thread. Interesting...


A typical Milano Street:

We follow Cabbage Patch towards "The Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II" in the Piazza Duomo. This is the worlds oldest shopping mall where all the designer gear is. This is any label junkies paradise. God everything looks great from the outside.

The Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II

Unfortunately we have no time for shopping. Instead we walk to the famous Milan Duomo. The Milan Duomo is the 2nd largest church in Italy and worlds 2nd largest gothic church after the cathedral in Seville.

The Duomo has the largest collection of marble statues with the widely visible golden Madonna statue on top of the spire, la Madunina (Little Madonna), the symbol of Milan.

The famous Milan Duomo:

Just like half of Italy this was also under construction...

We spend the next 10 minutes taking photos from the outside before we decide to enter the Duomo. You can also climb to the roof of the Duomo. We consider doing this but since we have limited time left we decide to give it a miss. Plus we know were coming back to Milan soon…

Inside the Milan Duomo:

We walk out of the Duomo straight to Autogrill for a coffee and Croissant. Were just about out of time when we decide to do some postcard shopping. I realise I need water so I storm back in to purchase some water. I stand in front of this store waiting for the woman to serve me when she informs me that I have to go pay at the cash register located on the opposite end before she can serve me. I quickly storm back to the cash register and pay for a water. I storm back to the woman who then informs me that I have purchased water from Autogrill and not her. So I race back to Autogrill shoving my docket at the guys face to get my water.

10 minutes later, I have my water and I need it badly by this stage. I walk out to locate Lucy standing at the postcard stand making random purchases. We decide to walk up to the meeting point as the time has come. Along the way Lucy spots a beagle and chases it to get a photo for Good Old. Funny enough Ron did the same thing when he saw the beagle.

So were standing at the meeting point when Cabbage Patch realises Good Old is missing. Ron declares his going to kill her for being late. Cabbage Patch does a quick count and we realise Skeletor and her husband are also missing.

Ron’s standing with a bunch of flowers in his hands for Good Old as it is their wedding anniversary tomorrow stressing that his wife is missing in action. After a lot of huffing and puffing we spot Good Old running towards us. Good Old’s in a major panic attack while holding Prada bags. Good Old rocks up shaking like a dog.

Apparently she walked out of Prada and got lost. Who the hell gets lost walking out of Prada. It’s a straight road out towards the Duomo. Good Old claimed she walked out and walked around the block, confused and stressed. Mind you it looks like she brought half of Prada.

We question what she brought and she informs the entire group that it was a bargain as Prada had 20% off everything. Someone asked her how much she spent on 2 pairs of Prada shoes and she tried avoiding the question. Eventually she broke the news to us that it only came to 358 Euros for 2 pairs of Prada shoes! A BARGAIN!!! I keep saying they must have a better exchange rate than we do. I swear that like 800 AU dollars for 2 pairs of Prada shoes.

While Good Old entertained us with her shoes Cabbage Patch was stressing that Skeletor and her husband are still missing. Ron presented his sunflowers to Good Old for their anniversary and she practically melted in his arms again.

Above - Cabbage Patch trying to locate missing people with Good Olds in the background and special guest appearance by the Scottish couple!

Half the tour was on the edge waiting for Skeletor and her husband. Milan was starting to get pretty heated. We were already behind schedule. Eventually Skeletor and her husband rock up claiming that got lost as well. I seriously don’t understand how these people are getting lost. If you got lost you could simple ask someone where the Duomo was and you would find it in less than 2 minutes. Its not that hard!

We followed Cabbage Patch onto the bus where we spotted the vomit queen lying down. Lucy decided to offer her some motion sickness pills if she needed any but apparently it was the motion sickness pills that caused her to pass out. I swear Lucy was about to create a round two of the vomit scene!

Next Stop Verona...